Chapter: Pretentious Prologue, Part 1

SIMS UNIVERSITY AT MIDCENTRALBURG

ENTRANCE INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT:  Applicant ERIC MCIRISH (SPIFFTON)

Let's get the name straight.  It's TARIK.  Not ERIC.  TARIK.  One of those other ones is named Eric.


And it's MCIRISH.  Not Spiffington.  As if that asshole gave any of us anything but his DNA.  Not even a name.

We all got stuck with the name anyway, really. “Spiffingtons.” Lavar says it wasn't so bad when he was in school.  The whole town didn't know about it, yet. But he says sometimes when they were out on the playground, people would give him and that Jolina dude and Ally’s brother a funny look - cause I guess they kinda looked alike and all had the same haircut? - just like the asshole. 

Ma figured it out when Jules went to school, and Ally came over to do homework. See, Jules and Ally look the most alike, except for the hair.  That's when the asshole stopped coming around.  I mean, that’s what Lavar says. I was like a rugrat, I don’t know. Anyway.

So Ma figured it out, but she didn’t tell anyone. Well she dumped the asshole, of course.  But she didn’t tell anyone else, not even us. She said she would have told Lavar if there was any chance Lavar could have gotten lucky with Ally’s big sister, which, nah.  And Ally’s Mom is kind of a bitch, she would never stoop to talk to someone like Ma, so Ma never told HER. 

  

A little after I started school is when everyone found out. No, it wasn’t cause of Ma. It was cause of Precious. Precious is in the same class as me and Jed.  See, Precious is Jed’s Aunt and also Ally’s sister, so like, you’d think they would know, but like, Jed’s Mom hadn’t been speaking to Ally’s Mom, because Ally’s Mom was like with Jed’s Grandpa – man, that’s gross. So Jed’s family, and Ally’s family, they didn’t know.

But then Ally was like, fighting with her Mom, like usual, and Ally got grounded, but then she snuck out to take driving lessons from the asshole.

Well then, Precious tattled on Ally for sneaking out, and then Ally’s Mom made Jed’s Grandpa ask Jed’s Mom to pull them over and give them a ticket, well then, everything went nuts and after that we were all "the Spiffingtons". The town joke.

Meanwhile the only real Spiffington, the asshole, he got out of there the next day, took off with his newest family.  Decided he actually wanted to raise them. Oh, and he never finished giving Ally driving lessons. Asshole.

What do you mean watch my language? Oh, asshole. You don't want me to say asshole. Okay, I guess I won't say asshole, then.

At least I don't look like that as- can't call him an asshole? what should I call him? - Dad? Are you shitting me? - The DNA donor? - Right. Dear Old "The DNA Donor". I don’t know all of ‘em, the oldest ones, the Jolinas, split a long time ago, before we knew. And the ones he took with him were still like in diapers, and who knows how many new ones he’s got. That’s at least four right there, probably more, I don’t know what they look like. That leaves nine of us still in town, mostly looking kind of alike - I told you, Jules and Ally are basically twins except for the hair. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it, you know? Everyone knows who they are.

Now me and Jed, we lucked out, looks-wise. We don’t look anything alike. You wouldn’t guess we were Spiffingtons if you didn’t know.

We want to go somewhere where no-one knows.

Jed's the only good thing about it. Without Jed, it would just be me and Lavar, now that Ma's gone. 

Ma? Oh she's not dead.  She took off.  Jules like, got a modeling job in Starlight Shores, and Ma decided to go with her.  "Jules needs me”, she said.  “She has a chance, if we get away.  You’ll do fine here with Lavar until school’s over", she said.  She didn’t say, “until you graduate”, ha. Then she took off.  With Jules.  Jules, she’s like “the special one”, the one everyone wants. At least until they get to know her. She got voted "best Spiffington ever" on YouSpace.

Lavar like, has a job, but he’s okay, I guess.  He takes care of the house and food and stuff.  And he likes to watch Moronic Trio with me and Jed.  But Lavar’s kinda - well he's LAVAR.  Dude'll be LAVAR when he's old as Dear old DNA Donor.  He’ll always be LAVAR, with his garden and his Jimmy Sprocket collection and his STUPID ASS SUSPENDERS.  And he will Never. Get. Laid.  Not just cause he is related to half the town.  Go figure, all that heat the as-- Dear old DNA Donor--was packing, Lavar got none of it.  He only got one vote in the Spiffington poll.  It wasn't even his!  He told me he voted for Jules.   Anyway.  

See, Jed's the brother I should have had.  Well I guess I did. He's my ano-mo-bro, like, for real.  Even though we're not really much alike.  Except we're both cool, just people don't know it. 

Jed's really smart. And tough. I should know, I started fights with him enough times when we were kids. Before we found out.  He’d always fight me back, you know, even though he’s kinda little. But you know, he's just not good with people.  He like, freaks out all the time. I mean, that's why I used to fight him, before. When we were little.  Before we found out.

But then we found out, you know?  Then we were all like "the Spiffingtons" and there were all the reporters around, all the time.  Even at school. They went after his Ma and them especially, cause she was a cop, like, how could she not know?  

Jed took it really hard.  His brother and sister – no they’re HIS brother and sister, HIS.  Yeah, they're Spiffingtons, do the math, whatever. I don't like ‘em, I didn’t ask for ‘em, I'm not taking ‘em. Jed, Ally, sure, but not them.

Anyway.  They were awful to him, but just like, for fun, not because he deserved it.  Like, Jed was terrified of the photographers, how they used to all swarm around. And he used to be able to sneak by ‘em, you know, when we left school – at first they used to miss him cause of his looks - but his sister ratted him out.  I'll say that for Jules, she never ratted me out.  Mostly cause she wanted all the photographers for herself, but still.

So after the photographers found him, the next day he ran away. His Mom was on some assignment or something and she left his brother in charge.  Jed missed a whole day of class before anyone missed him.  And Jed used to always go, not like me, right?  I went to school the next day, though, cause like, it was like time to fight, but he still wasn’t there. So I went looking for him, and…well he was messed up, you know?  He was Messed. Up. He asked me to beat him up, that time.

 I couldn’t do it, man. I couldn’t do it.

After that it was like, screw the rest of ‘em, it’s been just me and Jed. He used to come sleep over, til the reporters started coming after Jules. Well she invited them. Anyway. After that, he’d sneak in the back, we’d sleep in the treehouse. And now that Ally’s moved out she lets us stay with her. Anything to get away from the rest of ‘em.

When Jed and I got to high school, we made a pact. We’re getting out of town and we're never going back. I'll go anywhere, man. Just find me someplace where Dear old DNA Donor's never been and I'm not related to half the girls in town.  And Jed has it worse than me, even, because for him it’s not just the Spiffington crap, right? I mean, his Grandpa married Ally’s Mom.  So he has to go to school with Aunt Precious and Uncle Irwin who are like Ally’s brother and sister.  Man, it’s so weird.

So Uni.  Jed wants to go to Uni.  His grandparents went there, they wanted his Mom to go, but she got pregnant with his brother instead.  I said Jed was smart.  He’s like, some kind of brainiac or something. Like, he got all the brains for all Spiffingtons everywhere. Okay, there's those two that are doctors, maybe not them...but I know he got me and Lavar's.  Anyway.  His Grandpa said he’ll pay for Jed to go to Uni, even though his Mom is broke.  Jed's Grandpa is like loaded.  

So like, I want to go to Uni too, I guess.  Me and Jed, we’re gonna go to Uni.

What do I want to study?  Girls.  Do you offer that?  Okay then, uh, applied herbology.  Yeah.  I heard Midcentralburg has some screamin' herbology. 

Okay, so, you'll like call me to tell me where to show up, right?

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TRANSCRIPT OF INTERVIEWER NOTES 

Applicant arrived for the interview twenty five minutes late, reeking of herb and attired in a tee shirt and ripped jeans.  Applicant demonstrates no aptitude for university, nor cognizance of appropriate social skills.  And his choice of language is most unfortunate.

Recommendation: Application Denied

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