Chapter: Gaudeamus Jed and Tair

WARNING: SOME IMAGES MAY BE DISTURBING TO PEOPLE WITH TASTE

Oooooooh, man. Eleven hours on the bus. Time to catch some zs.

Man. I miss the beach.  I wanted to go to the Tides, man, but it’s like hard to go there now.  If you’re not from there, you have to have papers. Plus I don’t think the bus goes there.  But hey, it’s cool that Ally’s letting me stay here.

Yeah so Ally’s here too.  So like, Ally and her Mom always fight, even though Ally moved out a long time ago, but it’s like they had a final showdown or something.  Like Jed’s Grandpa wants to have another kid and her Mom’s too old, but they can like, go to the clinics or something.  Babyrita, Ally calls it…you know, like a blender baby.  Ally’s sisters and brothers – the Spiffington ones and the Wainwright ones – were like, whatever, but Ally just lost it.  She came home and told Jed and me that she loved us but she wasn’t raising ANY MORE of us and furthermore the three of us were the only sane ones left in town and she wasn’t staying if we were leaving, so. We decided to all go together.

We left right after graduation.  Graduation, man.  I graduated.  Yeah, like no shit.  Jed said he wasn’t gonna go if I wasn’t there.  And like, he really wanted to go.  Shit.  So like, I had to go with him to study club and then show up and like take tests, like SERIOUSLY.   He owes me, man.  Someday we’re gonna go to Lucky Palms and he’s gonna help me run the tables.  Someday when we have money.

Anyway.  Ma came back for graduation.  She even said she was proud of me.  Eventually.  First she wanted to know if I like, had the principal in the basement or something.  Then she like, made me get a haircut.  “Dub knows I never thought this day would come, Tarik, and unless I can see your face in the picture, I still won’t believe it.”

The asshole didn’t show up.  Of course.  Jed’s Mom came, and Ally, for Jed.  Jed’s Grandpa and Ally’s Mom came… for Precious.  Yeah. 

But then like, Jed’s Grandpa invited us to their house for a going-away party.  Well he invited JED.  And then didn’t slam the door in my face, ha.  And he offered to let Jed and Ally stay in his old place here in East Midcentralburg.  Until we know if we get into Uni or not?  I guess he felt bad.  If Jed doesn’t get in, we’re gonna stay here and get jobs. Ally says I can stay with her either way, if I don’t get in. Either way, man, I don’t care, I’m out of the Valley and I’m free.

Although a beach would be nice.

Ally’s like at work.  She got a job in Midcentralburg already.  Jed’s coming later today. Soon as we got off the bus, he had to go to the clinics, take some tests or something, and he had to stay all night. He couldn’t like eat or drink. I would DIE, and I’m big, and he’s so skinny. He’s like really nervous, cause we don’t know for sure if we got in.  But Ally’s sister Jo said if he had to go to the clinics then he must have made it.  She’s kind of smart too, Jo.  Jo’s one of the ones that’s a doctor. She scares me a little  – what is that noise?

Oh hey.

I didn’t even smoke that much last night.

“Are you Rik McIrish or Jed Wainwright?”

Huh. Maybe this is real. Cause usually, like at this point in the dream, the animals say my name right.  Also, they’re better dancers.

“No.”

It’s looking around – hey.  There’s someone in there.  Or, like, it ate someone.

“I’m looking for Rik McIrish or Jed Wainwright. This is 800 Corvina Boulevard?”

Oh hey, a girl. Maybe I’m lucky for once and this is real.

“TARIK McIrish.”

“Oh”.  She has a nice laugh. Please be real. “I thought you were a TA.  Sorry.”

"I'm not a TA, I'm a TARIK. What- uh, who are you?"

Oh now she’s on. She’s on like Jules when Jules spots a photographer.

“I’m GRANDMASTER LLAMA and I’m here to say

We have some brand new LLAMAS today!

Welcome RIK and welcome JED

You’ll be LLAMAS til you’re dead!

LLAMAS LLAMAS vic-to-ry! 

LLAMAS LLAMAS - you and me! WHOOOOO”

Oooooooookay...she looks like she wants me to say something.

“Uh, that was…nice?…I don’t like, have any change or anything.”

Whoa, fail. “You’re new. So you don’t know the rules. But don’t do it again. NEVER tip a llama. It’s against the sacred code. No tipping. Cows, yes. Llamas, no.”

She’s kinda cute when she’s pissed. “Do llamas drink?”  Ally left us some brews.

That’s better, she’s on again. “Of course we drink, we’re LLAMAS!” I never hoof-fived anyone either. Or is that high-oned?

“Well then, come on in”.

She looks confused. “Really?”

“Don’t llamas do that?”

“Usually llamas are left out on the porch with the basket.”

Ha. “Usually me and Jed are left out on the porch too.  Come on in, bring the basket.”

She follows me in.  “You don’t seem very excited. Usually people grab the basket right away.”

I glance at the basket as I grab a couple of cold ones. A couple of flags and a llama and some other stuff I can’t see.  “Is that for us?” I start to hand her the brew but she’s waving her hooves … oh, she can’t crack the top.  I need to put the bottle down so I grab some paper out of the basket to put it underneath.  Ma is like anal about coasters.

I pop the bottle and hand it to her.   She drinks like me, not like a girl.  I like her already. “Thanks”, she says, and holds the bottle up to her face. Oh, that costume must be hot.

“There’s a bathroom through there, so you can take that off, if you want.” That costume makes it hard to drink brew.  Also, it makes it hard to check out her rack.

She giggles and hands me the bottle.  I put it on the coaster and start to hand her another one.  “Thanks, but I’ve got two more houses.” She steps closer.  “Besides, I need help to take it off.” She steps closer. “I need someone strong to help me lift off the mask.”

Yes. I chug what’s left in the bottle. “No problem.” I reach for the mask but she puts her hand up to stop me. This girl is kind of hot.

“Two more houses.” She’s standing so close to me now. This is the hottest girl I ever met that I’m not related to or that’s not in a cemetery.  And you know what? If I tilt my head just right…

I  thought I could, ha.

She’s making happy little noises. Or is that me? No, she’s kissing me back, whoa.

And now I really need to get her out of this costume.

“Forget the other houses”. I try again but this time she pushes me away. 

“YOU KISSED THE LLAMA."

“No. I kissed you. And you kissed me back.”

“Oh my DUB!” She looks horrified. “Take that back!”

“You kissed me back.”

“SSH!” She’s looking around, all crazy, and those llama ears are wiggling like whoa. “I’ll lose my job!”

“For kissing me back?”

“Stop SAYING that!  GRANDMASTER LLAMA does not fraternize with students.  You can’t tell anyone! Please? Please, Rikki?”

Rikki. I can’t even. But she’s so freaked out. And still kind of hot.

“I won’t.” She looks up, looks me in the eye, and then she goes all smiley and shit. Gotcha.

I hand her another beer but she puts it down on the coaster.  “Ohhhhhh…I have to go.”  I reach for her but she stops my hand. “I have to GO. Before I do something worse.”

Worse! Hell yeah. “Worse?” I step closer but she’s backing away. 

“Gotta go. Two more houses…” she’s almost out the door.

“Come back, we’ll be here”, I hold up the brew.

“Oh...I am so getting fired....” she says and she’s gone.

Well I’ll have another one…oh hey, look who’s here.

“Why is there a llama running out of the house?” Jed’s putting his bags down, he looks very confused.

He didn’t die or anything. Awesome. It’s so good to see him I forget to hold back when I hug him and he makes that little noise like a balloon when you let the air out. “Sorry” and I pull back.

“Tair. What about the llama?”

“I dunno.” I go back to the fridge to get a brew, and hand him a juice. He doesn’t like brew, I know, weird.  “I thought I might get lucky but she got all upset.”

“Lucky? With a llama?” Jed looks like he’s gonna hurl.

“She’s a girl in there somewhere.” I put his bag in our room.  Well, it’s not a room, it’s like, a space.

“Oh, lucky with a girl.” He’s still looking kind of queasy.

 

“Yeah.” Oh, huh. “Say, uh, she might come back, and uh, maybe you should crash in here tonight, like, just in case.”

“Er. You mean in case – oh.” He like, shudders. “I’ll crash outside. But - I thought you said she was upset?”

“Yeah.” I open another one. “She thinks she might get fired cause I kissed her.”

Jed looks at me skeptically.  “Fired? Cause you kissed her? She said that?”

“No. What did she say…she said, ‘Grandmaster Llama does not fraternize with students.’”

“Students?” Why is Jed making that funny noise?  Now he’s looking around the room.

“And Ally told us what fraternize meant, remember, when your Mom got in trouble with…”

Jed’s not listening, he keeps making funny noises – oh, now he’s spotted the basket. “TAIR!” Now he’s pulling stuff out of the basket … no, now he’s turned the basket upside down and is dumping it on the floor. “TAIR!”

“What? Oh, hey, T-shirt.” I grab one but it’s like tiny. Jed-sized.  Jed tosses me a different one. That’s better. Extra-extra.

Uh oh, Jed’s getting like…Jed, you know, kind of frantic. “Where is it?” He’s tossing the stuff around. “Tair. Was there anything else in this basket? Like, a letter?”

“I dunno – wait.” Her empty brew’s still on the coaster. “There was this..”

Jed grabs it. “TAIR!” Oh man. Is he crying? Now he’s hugging me. Now he’s running around the room like a lunatic.

“Breathe, there, buddy.”                      

“This is THE LETTER! This one’s mine...and this one’s YOURS! We got in! WE BOTH GOT IN!”