Chapter: Her Name isn’t “Dolly”

I can’t stand it, man. The llama has to come back. She has to.

I mean, I’m not LAVAR. I’ve like, done stuff with girls. But like, it was hard you know? Ha, ‘that’s what she said’, right. No but it was.

When Jed and I started high school Ma picked me up at school the first week. You know, not embarrassing at all.  She made me show her everyone in my class.  Well. All the girls in my class.

“The Whalley girl, no.  The Beckham girl, no.  Your father spent time with both of their mothers, never can tell.  The Sekemoto girl...well she’s sure Sam’s...so okay.  Boyd’s daughter is obviously safe, but she’s one of Tori’s, so you can’t bring her to the house. Not that she’d come anyway.”

“Uh, Precious is like Jed’s AUNT.”

“Well good then, that’s solved. Who’s left in your class?”

Other than Jed’s sister or like, dudes, no-one was left. No girls. Zip.

I fooled around a little with Barbara Sekemoto, but like, I was a Spiffington and her dad was like, ‘No Spiffingtons’,  and then, Antoine Alto went after her, so.  We never did it.

But one good thing about Jules being all popular and stuff, she had girls like from her class come over and hang out.

So one day Jed’s like, at school in study club, so like, it’s just me at home watching the Moronic Trio.  Jules and a bunch of girls were in the back like, doing girl shit.  Ivy Goth came out and sat with me.

“So you’re a Spiffington”, she says.

“No”, I say.  “I’m TARIK.”

“But you’re Spiffington’s kid”, she says.

“I’m a MCIRISH”, I say.

“My father hates Spiffington more than anything”, she says.  Cause like, the asshole split with one of her dad’s exes, and they took Ivy’s brother?

“He can join the club”, I say.

“I heard you take after your father”, she says.

“I don’t look anything like him”, I say.

“I wasn’t talking about your face”, she says. “I kinda want to do it with a Spiffington. Just to see what it’s like. And you’re like, the most marginally acceptable one.”

Ha. She’s right though, I am.

“Have you ever done it in the cemetery?” she says.

“Have you?”, I say.

“I’m gonna go to the cemetery tonight”, she says.  “I’m gonna be at the mausoleum at ten.”

Yeah we did. Ivy GOTH, man, in the cemetery, no shit.  She said now she understood what all the fuss was about, ha. We did it a couple more times, too. 

Then one night Ma caught me sneaking back in.  “You better not have been with the Goth girl”, she says.

I’m like, what Goth girl, but she’s good.  “There’s gossip going around town, Tarik. Like there isn’t enough. We can’t afford to be on the Goth’s bad side. It’ll mean my job. And Lavar’s. And Jules is just getting started.”  Oh yes Jules.  Can’t fuck up Jules. 

And I guess someone told Ivy cause man, she would not talk to me after that. And she stopped hanging out with Jules, so like Jules was pissed. And Jules was like, “Keep AWAY from my friends. I’m like almost not a Spiffington now, you little twerp, don’t mess it up.”

But then the next day Ally comes over to me on the playground - it was the first time she’d talked to me since we all found out? – anyway, she says, “Yo, Little Spiffington. Ivy Goth may be hot, but remember, her dad is THE MAN.  And her grandfather is also, THE MAN. And her grandmother, also, THE MAN. Hot, but THE MAN.  And THE MAN will ALWAYS fuck you up.” Then she like bumps my fist and says, “But extra points for the cemetery, dude”, and we’ve been cool ever since.

And then Jules and Ally and Ivy like graduated and Ivy went to Uni and I’ve never seen Ivy again.  And since her, no girls. No girls. No girls.  Prom night I got Jed wasted – I mean, we weren’t gonna get laid so we had to do something, right? – and then he freaked out with the biggest freakout ever and was like hurling all night long.

The llama has to come back. She has to.

So like, Jed and I want to have dinner to celebrate that we’re like, in college, but Ally’s out with someone she picked up.  She likes to be all mysterious about shit, like what she does and who she does.  Jed thinks she’s with chicks and I think she’s with dudes, but Ally never brings them home so like, we still don’t know. 

The point is, she’s not home, so she’s not cooking. Usually, she cooks -- you know, like pizza, when the pizza guy comes? So then, Jed and I are like, well, I guess we’re gonna cook, so we call the pizza guy, but like, it’s an hour wait. So then Jed says, ‘pockets’, but we look and all we have are like, really old waffles, so we go out to the diner.

And now we’re coming back.  Jed is like usually faster than me, unless he’s freaking out, or thinking, or something weird like that.  So we’re coming around the corner to our house and he’s in front and I hear this little “eep” noise that he does when he sees a girl.  OH PLEASE be a girl.  And then I come around the corner and like, yes. Girl. It might be her. She’s kinda short, though.  But she’s cute from the back and whoa nice butt. 

Jed like sneaks inside before the girl sees him and eats his soul or whatever. He’s my bro, but, dude needs to get a grip.  Although, right now I’m kinda glad he’s inside.

The girl’s looking at Jed’s grandpa’s fish pond thing. Seriously. The man does not have a TV, but he has a fish pond. I can’t even. “Hey”, I say.  The girl turns around. YES.  It’s llama-girl.  Her butt is much cuter when she’s not in that costume.

“I uh, got done with those two houses”, she says.

“I thought you were taller”, I say, and I kinda walk towards her.

“It’s the ears”, she said, and she kinda walks towards me.  “I came over to see if, you know, you want to do something...” She stops cause she’s like right in front of me.

“How bout this”, I say.

It’s much easier to kiss her without that stupid costume in the way. And she is definitely kissing me back. YES.  And making those happy little noises, ha.  Uh, some of that is me.

We’re stopping – why? – oh air, good - and she pushes me away again and gives me a look. Please don’t run away again.

“Is that all you can think about?” she says.

Then she grabs me and pulls me in.  “Cause it’s all I’ve been thinking about”, she says.  She put my hands on her butt – niiiiiiiice.

But I need a better grip.

Things are going really well. I try to talk her into staying over so, you know, but she’s like, “Your friend’s right inside there – oh! Hey, Ally.”

“Hey Bree, hey Tair”, says Ally, who like zips into the house and hits the fridge. I like move out of the way just in time. DO NOT stand between Ally and brew.

“You know Ally?”, she says – oh, I guess her name is Bree.

“She’s like my sister”, I say.

“Oh”, she says. “She just started working with us.” Bree’s like all nervous and stuff.

“Ally’s a llama?” NO. Can’t be.

“No, no, my other job”, she says.

Then we can hear Jed telling Ally, “There’s a GIRL here” and kind of freaking out? It’s awkward. “That’s Jed”, I say.

“Right. Rik and Jed”, she says.  She looks in the window where Ally’s kinda talking him down.  “What’s wrong? Why’s your friend doing that?”

“He’s Jed”, I say.  “And he’s my brother. And I’m TARIK.” I grab her hand again. It feels nice. “Tarik. And you’re Bree!”

“Well if you’re TARIK I’m SABRINA”, she says as she swings my hand. “But my friends call me Bree.”

I was gonna say my friends call me Tair but, really, it’s Jed and Ally.  I guess they count.  “My friends call me Tair.”

“Well, Tair”, she kisses me, “do you know what you can call me?”  She kisses me again and like smiles.

I shake my head.

“Later.”  She laughs, and then I guess she can tell I don’t get it right away cause she kisses my cheek.  “Bad joke. Sorry. But I should go – give me your phone.”  She puts her number in and then kisses me again and like runs out to the street.

“Bye Later”.

She laughs.  “Bye Tair.”