Chapter: Murphy's Bed, Murphy's Law

Man. That was a close one.  I always knew like making the bed was a pain in the ass, but like, it can actually kill you.

Like seriously.  I totally saw my life flash before my eyes, man.  And, you know what?

I really need to get laid.

And then, it gets worse, cause Ally starts in.  Ally’s a light sleeper, which is like really a pain in the ass for us. Like when you almost get killed closing a big ass Murphy bed, it’s gonna make noise. It’s gonna happen.  And like, she's really cranky when she first wakes up.

“IMA KILL YOU TAIR”

First the bed.  Now Ally.  I've only been up for like ten minutes, man.

“TAIR GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE”

"What now?"

“Tair we have to leave this place like we found it. Remember? Or Boyd will like sue us, or something. Look at these plants. These plants are practically dead.”

“What do you expect me to do about it?”

She looks at me.  “This was your job. Me, food. Jed, cleaning. You, not fucking up shit.”

“Yeah, well, it’s Lavar who got the gardening thing. Not me.” It’s the one thing besides Jimmy Sprocket he’s really good at.  It’s also the only thing he got from the asshole, besides the hair.

“Figures. Me neither. You don’t think Jed..?”

I point at the garden. “They’re not like in straight lines. He’ll go nuts.”

“Yeah, yeah. Looks like it’s us. Let’s fix it. Why don’t you start with...oh, I don’t know...that one.” She points at ... ohmydubitsherb.

“Jed’s Grandpa grows herb?”

“Not for much longer if you don’t water this shit.”

I haven’t had herb since we left the Valley. Oh man. It’s been right here the whole time and I almost let it die. OH the SIMANITY.

And then Jed starts up.  See, he was all not freaked out for one night...at least until Bree showed up.  But then, he read the letter again this morning, and he found out he has to take a placement test.

“Oh my DUB” he says. “I have to go to the library and cram... You too, Tair”, he says. “You have to take a test too, it’s in the letter. You should come with me.  I’ll help you prep.”

I shake my head. “Thanks, bro, but, it’s not gonna help me.  And you’re like brainiac already, you probably don’t need to worry about it.”

Which like, stupid thing to say to Jed, yeah, but I haven’t had my coffee yet.

“Don’t worry about it? Don’t WORRY about it? Oh my dub Tair”, he says, “they have the best students in SimNation here.  You know there’s only three spots for the applied temporal sciences track this term. Three! If I don’t make it, I don’t know what I’ll do – I mean, I guess I could settle for advanced neurorobotics, or hyperdimensional mechanics, or, if I really boot it, quantum physics – but I’ve been dreaming about getting my doctorate in applied temporal sciences since I was in kindergarten.”

He probably has, too. That’s so sad.

He’s still going. “And there’s only three spots!  And I’m competing with students from all the best prep schools.  It’s usually guys from Fort Starch that make it, but sometimes someone from Smuggsworth sneaks in there, like, probably their parents buy them in.”

Like the only part I understood was the last part. “Your Grandpa could buy you in”, I say.

“NO”, he says. “I have to do it myself or it’s not the same.”  Then he looks like he’s thinking.  Even more than usual, I mean.  “Tair.”

“Yeah?”

“What are you gonna sign up for?  We have to know what to study for.  We could probably get you into herbology, it’s not impacted...and then we might have some classes together, we could study together, like always.”

Well I was thinking herbology, but now I’m like the herb-killer, so maybe not.

“Is there anything you don’t have to study for? I’ll do that.”

“Anything you don’t have to study for? But why would anyone want to do that?”  He looks like he’s thinking really hard. “I can’t think of anything. Well, there’s art, but that’s not really...”

“Art. Got it. I’m signing up for art.”  Yeah. Art. I used to be really good at that.  My paste hardly ever showed on the front, and all my macaroni stayed on the paper. And I only got sick from eating it like, twice.

I go with him to the library, anyway, cause like, we’ve never been there and who knows what might freak him out. I figure I’ll just like play computer games, whatever. And we almost make it, too. We’re almost in, and then this dude comes out and like asks me if I know how to get to Midcentralburg from here and I’m like, dude, the bus. 

So then I turn around and I’m lookng for Jed and…shit.

“Jed. What’s up?”

“That’s Professor BENFORD.” 

“Okay...?”

“From Uni. From the Temporal Sciences department. He wrote a book, man.  Temporal Tesselations. He’s gonna see me, man. He’s gonna see me and he’s gonna know I don’t belong at Uni.”

“Dude.  He’s gonna see you and he’s gonna know you totally belong at Uni.”  For one thing, you’re gonna be the only one who knows who the nerdburger even is.

He like doesn’t move.

“Come on, Jed. You gotta cram, man. Temporal whatsit. Three spots.”

He like doesn’t move.

“And then you’re gonna help me with art.”

Here he comes.

“I can’t really help you with art, Tair. Maybe we could look at herbology again.”

“Yeah, yeah. Why don’t you go first, though. I gotta pee.”

When I come out, Jed’s like settled down and he’s like all into his book and stuff, like an explosion could happen, he wouldn’t know.

 But, just my luck, the computers are like busy.  Lame.  I might actually have to look at a book – oh, hey.

I kind of sneak up on her, cause I’ve been kicked out of enough libraries and Jed’s like all comfy now. “Hey Later”, I say.

She turns around. “Tair! I wasn’t expecting to see you here!”

“Jed and I are like studying...mostly Jed.”

“That’s right!  You incomings have the test coming up. Good luck!”

“Say, uh, Jed’s gonna be here awhile, we could uh, go back to my place and...”

She laughs. “That’s actually tempting...but I’ve got a lot to prep for before term starts. I’m free tonight, though...”

YES. Yes yes YES.

I check on Jed. He’s in the zone, he’ll be good for a while. I tell him I’m heading back and he’s like, great, I'll be back when I finish two more volumes.

Ally’s like crashed when I get back and I manage not to wake her up again. Which is good, cause I like need to be on her good side. So I water a bunch of plants by the time she gets back up, and they’re not nearly as crunchy.

“Yo, nice not fucking up shit, Tair.”

“Thanks. Uh, I was wondering if you could like, do me a favor? Uh, I want to have Bree over tonight but, you know, Jed. “

“You want to ‘have her over’?” Her eyebrows are like going, up and down.

“It’s been since IVY, man.”

“Ouch, dude”.  Now she’s nice.

“So, uh, maybe you could go out with him or something?  He wants to see that new Space Journey movie.”

“Yeah, he’s been kinda freaked out about your exams. Sure”, she says. “And uh, Bree’s cool. Kind of a jock, though. I wouldn’t have thought she’d be your type.”

“She’s a girl”, I say.  “Girls are my type.”

“Got it”, she says.  “I’ll go get Jed. We’ll be back at midnight. Try not to be doing anything that’ll freak him out.”

So then Bree’s coming over, and, like Jed's Grandpa’s place is nice, but it’s like tiny for three of us, and like, the bedroom is practically in the kitchen. So really the only place to hang is the living room, so we start there.

And really the only thing to do is, well, what we’re doing, ha. Which is like, okay, cause she’s like, ready to go, if you know what I mean.  So we warm up a little, or like, maybe a lot – and then I gotta pee.

When I come out she’s got the bed down. Oh. Man. Things were like, awesome.  But now she's unleashed the Tair-Killer.

“I’ve never done it in one of these”, she said. “You know, there’s a rumor that a mascot and her boyfriend got” and she smacks her hands together, “in one." 

“Buzz kill”, I say. Why'd she have to smack her hands so loud...

“Makes it even hotter”, she says and then she gets on the bed - yes! bed! - wait NO! evil bed! -- but then she like - takes her top off and that is SO NOT BUZZ KILL and then who cares about the evil bed we’re like whoa. Whoooooooaaaaaa.  Like, extra whoa.

“Oh my DUB”, she says, when she can like, talk, “we have to do that again.”  So like, we do. Yeaaaaahhhh. 

Then the alarm goes off.  Eleven-thirty.  Dammit, Ally. You probably like, woke up the evil bed.  “Almost midnight”, I say, getting up really fast, “they’re gonna be back.”

“This was good”, she says, bouncing up - she bounces really nice, ha. “So, so good.”  Then she throws her clothes back on, and then she kisses me like she really means it - you know, not like Ivy. And then she’s heading for the door.

“So like, tomorrow?” I say.

“Uh, Tair”, she says, “before we go too far, I, uh, should tell you, I’m not exclusive.”

“For tomorrow?” I say.

“Tair”, she says, and she like hits me on my shoulder. “I’m being serious. You’re fun, and oh my dub that was GREAT, but, I’m not ready to settle down.”

“Oh me either”, I say. “I just wanna do it as much as possible. So...how about tomorrow?”

She laughs. “Well you’re honest, that’s for sure. And persistent. But I’ve got other things going on tomorrow. I’ll call you, though. I will”, she says, kissing me, “definitely call you.”

Then she goes, just in time I guess.  “Yo BREE!”  I like, close the bed real fast, before it can get me, ha, and jump in the shower.

When I come out, Ally high fives me. “I take it mission accomplished, little bro!”

“Thanks, Ally, I owe you one. Uh, where’s Jed?”

“You owe me about ninety but who’s counting.”  She points out back. “He snuck around the outside. He was okay til we got here and saw Bree.”  I start to go but she waves me back.  “I got it, it’s okay.”

“No, I got it”, I say.  I get my bag and go out back but like, he’s already asleep. I stay out there anyway.  For when he freaks out, later. And, because I'm never getting in that bed again.

...by myself.  Only like, if Bree comes over.

I think maybe the bed likes Bree, ha.