Chapter: Polar Express

So Eddy, like, the skater dude from class? He like, thinks I’m cool, ever since the sorority got tagged. I told him it wasn't me, and shit, but he thinks I'm cool anyway. Which is cool. So we like sit together during drawing class. Which is outdoors. On the quad. And this is the one, man. This is the one with...

“Naked girls, man”, says Eddy. “My old man’s spending thousands of simoleons so I can come sit on the lawn with naked girls. FUCK YEAH, right?”

I don’t say anything. Like, I try not to think about the asshole. EVER. I haven’t thought about him since we came to Uni…so, like, I don’t think about him. I like think about, Ma? - who never had any money. She had like, three kids, thanks to the asshole, so like, no money…well, now Jules is like the ‘big model’ and shit, so Ma’s doing okay.

Yeah, Ma like, sent me a postcard. From Isla Paradiso - Jules is, like, doing the swimsuit edition? – anyway. The first part of the postcard was like, her yelling at me for like not giving her my phone number. She's mad cause she had to hear about me getting into Uni from Lavar - thanks, Lavar.

And then she wrote she was proud of me.

I mean, she told me that at graduation, but that's when she was like, still in shock. And also she told me once before that. But I’ve been potty trained for a long time now, you know?

Anyway. Ma's proud of me and shit. And now I kind of want this sketch not to suck.

Maddie gets up in front of the class and tells us to be respectful of the models and open to our feelings and also be respectful of the models. "Today we welcome a new group of models to our Life Drawing Salon", she says. And then she like waves over some…

...dudes.  Really old dudes.

“Shit”, says Eddy.  

Shit. I guess I might as well draw.

When it’s all over Maddie comes by and says it’s my best yet.

The model dude like, puts some clothes on thank DUB – and then comes over to talk to Eddy and me.

“You boys were hoping for some different models”, he says, and winked at us.

“Uh-“, I say.

“You should come out to the Express”, he says.  “Plenty of inspiration for you out there.”  He winks again and walks away.

I’m like, what, but Eddy’s like, stoked.  “The Express, that’s the club outside town, man.  Ever been?”

“Uh, no.”

“We should go, man.  The girls are HOT.  It’s a high cover, but man, so worth it.”

So we decide to go like Saturday night.  Cause Jed’s got like, study club with Morlock-dude.  It’s like for his term project and Jed is so excited to study he keeps forgetting to breathe.  I KNOW, right?  And Ally’s working tonight, like usual.  And Hot Girl is going to a party at the sorority – you know, Precious? - like fuck no.   I could go to the Grotto, it’s like, just down the road, but Bree will probably be there with that frat dude.  Again.  Which does not help with forgetting about Bree.  So going to see girls with Eddy, like, why not.

Anyway.  So this place, the Express, whatever, it’s like outside of town, on the way back to East Midcentralburg.  We have to get a cab. 

Eddy starts to tell the driver where we’re going, but she’s like, she’s on it.  “You and the male population of greater Midcentralburg", she says, and she starts driving.  "It's the celebrity lookalike contest tonight.  Busiest night of the month.”

We drive a long way, like past the University, and then we’re like past all the buildings, going towards the freeway back to East Midcentralburg.  I look around.  We’re in BFN, man.  You know, bumfuck nowhere.

“I beg your pardon”, says the driver. “You want to see bumfuck nowhere, young man, you get yourself down to East Midcentralburg.”  Oh, I guess I said that out loud.  “We’re just outside the Midcentralburg city limits – Midcentralburg Adjacent.  And that’s just because the administration doesn’t let this kind of joint in town."

Whatever.  It’s still BFN, man, like in a slasher movie? -- but like, Eddy isn’t that cute, so we’re probably not gonna get sliced and diced, ha.  The driver like, goes up this dirt road – DIRT ROAD, no shit – but it’s like chained up up ahead, so she drops us off like partway.  We start walking up the dirt road.

“Whoa, it’s an old drive-in”, I say.  I’ve never seen one before.  Except in a slasher movie.

“What’s a drive-in?”, says Eddy.  

“Like, cable TV in the olden days”, I say.  “Except, like, the good stuff was happening inside the car.”  Lavar says that Grandma Fiona said that Ma came from an old drive-in, ha. It’s my heritage and shit.

There’s a guy taking money and letting cars in.  Eddy and I walk up to him.  The guy looks bored.  “Snacks?  Or do you want the key to the men’s room?” he says. 

“Yeah, yeah, we want the key to the men’s room”, says Eddy, and he’s like winking and shit. Like, chill dude.  The guy like, looks at us real slow and says, “I never would have guessed”.  He holds out his hand and then Eddy holds out his hand.  Oh.  Like I give Eddy the cover charge and he gives it to the guy. 

So we go past the gate.  There’s just like, a parking lot, and like this snack shack. It’s not marked outside, but Eddy says this is the place.  “First Saturday of the month, they have the celebrity lookalike contest, man.  There’s this one chick, she looks like a swimsuit model.  SO HOT. And there’s another one, she looks just like that girl in the Jimmy Sprocket movies.  And then there’s the Special Snowflake girls…”

“Yeah, yeah”, I say.  There’ll be girls, it’s all good.  Let’s go inside, in case I’m wrong about the slasher movie, ha.

There’s actually some people at the snack shack – hey, nachos – but Eddy points and we like, go over to the men’s room instead.  Farewell tasty nachos. Eddy hits a buzzer and the door opens and there’s like this really long hallway and then like, some stairs.

Eddy and I go downstairs and I look around.  It’s kind of … sticky.  And there’s just dudes here, lots of dudes.  This is not my thing, man.  Where are the chicks?  Eddy’s like, chill dude, it’ll start pretty soon, so we go to get some brews, and then we have a few more, and then finally the lights go down.

“Welcome to another Saturday night at the Polar Express!  Won’t you please give it up for – our Special Snowflake girls!” 

Then like, the music starts, and these two girls come out, like FINALLY, and then the lights come up.  We’re up by the one on the right, so like I watch her, cause she’s really...uh...uh...uh...flexible.

Then Eddy’s like, “Dub, man, there's two, check out the other one”, so I look over to the one on the left – oh my dub. 

  

That one’s Bree.

And she’s like, really good.   Like I can’t watch the other one, who is also totally hot, good.

This is not helping forgetting about Bree.

After a while Bree like sees me and her eyes get real big and I think she’s gonna fall but she like saves it.  And then the dance is over, awwww.  She takes her bow and shit and then she like runs out and doesn’t look at me.  Huh.  She was really good.

Then the lights change up, I guess they’re changing poles, whatever.  Another girl comes out, but I want to go find Bree.  I turn to go out the back and Eddy’s like, where you goin’, dude, it’s the lookalike contest.  Whatever, where’s Bree.  

“I’ll be back”, I say, and I like, go.  Of course I check out the new girl as I go, ha.  I wonder who she’s supposed to look like.

I’m almost to the stairs when the announcer dude starts talking again.  “And now, dirrrrrrect from the cover of the Sims Illustrated swimsuit edition – give it up for - Miss Fool-iana McIrish!”

What the.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Eddy’s like slapping my back.  “You almost missed it, man.  This is the one I was telling you about.  The swimsuit model!  She looks just like her.”  

Yeah she fucking does.

I cannot even.  I like run out, man.  I cannot be in this place.  Eddy’s like, “Dude?” but I don’t care man, I cannot be in this place. 

I don’t stop running til I’m outside.  I want to puke but I can’t.

Then Bree’s there. “Tair, honey, I’m so sorry.”

She called me ‘honey’.  Which would be kind of nice, if she hadn’t dumped me, and if my sister wasn't dancing on a pole, pretending to be my other sister.  I mean. I don’t even like Jules that much. But she’s my sister, man, and that is NOT COOL.

Now Bree’s rubbing my back.  Which would be kind of nice, if she hadn’t dumped me, and if ALLY wasn’t fucking with fucking JULES.  It’s nice enough that I can fucking talk.  “That is NOT COOL, man”, I say.  “That is NOT COOL.”

“Oh honey.  I would have told you, but I wasn’t sure you would understand”, says Bree.  She says ‘honey’ again.  Which would be kind of nice, if…well you know.

I need some air, man.  I got to move.  “I DON’T”, I say.  “She’s my SISTER.  Ally should not be doing that to MY SISTER.”

Bree sounds confused.  “What?”

“JULES”, I say.  “Ally is dancing around like she was Jules.  That is not cool.”

“Jules?”, she says.  “Like Jules McI-oh, Tarik.  I should have realized.”  But then she’s like, confused. “But, Jules McIrish is your sister? So, that means she’s Ally’s sister, too?”

“It’s weird”, I say.

“Tair”, shit, it’s Ally.  I turn around.  She’s got her own hair but she still has that makeup on.

I’m so fucking mad. “How can you do that, man?”, I say.

Ally’s like, “It puts food on the table, man.”

“It’s JULES.”

“Yeah, and now that she’s like in the swimsuit edition, I get a feature spot.  That’s some serious bonus money…”

“It’s JULES.”

Ally’s like, pfft. “Jules? Jules. This is about Jules. Really? … Jules.  Who treats you like shit, and treats me like crap ever since we’ve all been Spiffingtons? And now she’s some big deal and we’ll never see her again?  That Jules?”

“She doesn’t treat me like shit”, I say.  Cause she doesn’t, really. Not like Jed’s sister, or Precious. She just mostly doesn’t give a shit.  There’s a difference.  “She’s MY SISTER and it’s NOT COOL.”

Ally’s like, what.  “I’m your sister”, she says.  “You get that, right?”

“Well if you’re my sister then I’m your brother”, I say. “And if I’m your brother, then you can’t mess with my sister.”

Bree’s looking at us like, WHAT.  “You two … have met, right?”

We ignore her.  “Tair. It’s more money than I can make anywhere else.  You want me to give it up.  Cause of Jules?”

“YES”.  No. “No.”  This is hard.

We don’t say anything, and then Bree does.  “You want her to give it up cause of you.”

“YES”.  How did she figure that out? I couldn’t.  “Just the Jules part.  Not the other part.”  I just won’t ever come back.

Ally stares at me.

And I stare at her.

Ally sighs and says, “That was nice bonus money, too. Sometimes you are such a little shit.”  She slugs me in the arm but I’m like mad, and I don’t slug her back.  So she slugs me again, but I’m like mad, and I don’t slug her back.  So she slugs me again and then she hugs me.

I’m like, ew, put some clothes on, shit.  After I like, slug her back.

Ally like pulls back and says, “You know, if I dressed up like you, Jules would never stop me.”

I smile, even though I’m mad, cause like, Ally dressed up like me, shit. 

Ally says, “Shit, she'd be shoving me out of the way to take over the pole.”

I laugh and say, “Fuckin’ A”, because, Jules so would. 

Ally winks at me and then waves at Bree and goes back inside.

“Thanks”, I say.

“You’re welcome”, Bree says.  I kind of hope she says ‘honey’ again but she doesn’t.  “Are we, uh, are we okay?”

“I’m okay”, I say. “Are you okay?”

“I want us to be friends, Tarik.  This is part of my life.”  She looks at me. What.

“Okay?”, I say.

“I’m asking you if you’re okay with it.  If we’re going to be friends, you have to accept it.  My dancing.  Is it okay?”

“No”, I say, and she looks sad.  “NO – I mean, it’s not okay, it’s like, really good.  You’re really good. Like, after I saw you, I didn’t even watch that other girl.”

“Oh”, she says, and she smiles.  Like that first day, when she was a llama.  “You know I only do it between sports, when the llama gigs dry up…”

“You should do it all the time”, I say.  “You’re really good.”

“I don’t really like to do it that much”, she says.  “And the administration frowns on it.  Especially for mascots.”

“Well I don’t frown on it”, I say. “I smile on it.”

“Ohhhh-“, she says.  Her phone goes off – like, where did she put that?  She looks at it for like, a long time.   “Your sister’s gonna make sure your friend gets home”, she says finally, and then she walks a little closer.

“But Eddy and I were gonna –"

Oh.