Chapter: Wrong and Wronger

“Oh. My. Dub. That almost looks like the dumb Spiffington.”

Chapter: And So It Begins

Today’s the first day of class and shit.  I’ve got art class early. 

I follow this old lady in.  She starts to go to the front, and I go to the back, like usual. 

The old lady stops, and like turns to look at me.  “Plenty of room up front”, she says – oh, I guess she’s the teacher.  She’s looking at me like she’s the teacher.

Well, I’m not sitting up there.   I find a seat, in the back. Like usual.

Chapter: Uni is Awesome

So while Jed was sleeping off his big freak out, Ally and I check out the house.  It’s way bigger than Jed’s Grandpa’s place. Like, way.  Like there’s actually rooms, and stuff.  And we don’t have to eat outside.

Ally takes the small room in the back, and Jed and I take the big room in the front.  Mostly cause that’s where Jed crashed.  And also, there’s a bed that doesn’t eat people, ha.

Chapter: Have we Graduated Yet?

Yeah so we’re finally here.

Jed’s asleep.  He stayed at the library like for two days straight cramming for the placement test and then he had the freakout of all freakouts. Worse than Prom.

“I LOST MY HAT!”

“Dude. We can get you another hat…”

“It was my STUDY HAT! I lost my STUDY HAT and now I CAN’T REMEMBER ANYTHING! ANYTHING!  I can’t remember THERMODYNAMICS! I can’t remember SIM’S LAW!! -- DUB! I can’t remember THE RIGHT HAND SCREW RULE!!!!”

“Can’t help you there buddy, I prefer goofy style myself...”

“I can’t remember TRIGONOMETRY!  I can’t remember DIFFERENTIAL CALCULUS!!!”

“Well, uh, maybe you won’t need it…”

Okay that was the wrong thing to say.  He’s freaking out so hard, man, it’s hard to get a word in.

Ally’s back from work. She looks at me and I’m like, ‘help’.  She shakes her head.  “Yo, JED. Math sucks.”

Chapter: Murphy's Bed, Murphy's Law

Man. That was a close one.  I always knew like making the bed was a pain in the ass, but like, it can actually kill you.

Like seriously.  I totally saw my life flash before my eyes, man.  And, you know what?

I really need to get laid.

Chapter: Her Name isn’t “Dolly”

I can’t stand it, man. The llama has to come back. She has to.

I mean, I’m not LAVAR. I’ve like, done stuff with girls. But like, it was hard you know? Ha, ‘that’s what she said’, right. No but it was.

When Jed and I started high school Ma picked me up at school the first week. You know, not embarrassing at all.  She made me show her everyone in my class.  Well. All the girls in my class.

“The Whalley girl, no.  The Beckham girl, no.  Your father spent time with both of their mothers, never can tell.  The Sekemoto girl...well she’s sure Sam’s...so okay.  Boyd’s daughter is obviously safe, but she’s one of Tori’s, so you can’t bring her to the house. Not that she’d come anyway.”

“Uh, Precious is like Jed’s AUNT.”

“Well good then, that’s solved. Who’s left in your class?”

Other than Jed’s sister or like, dudes, no-one was left. No girls. Zip.

I fooled around a little with Barbara Sekemoto, but like, I was a Spiffington and her dad was like, ‘No Spiffingtons’,  and then, Antoine Alto went after her, so.  We never did it.

But one good thing about Jules being all popular and stuff, she had girls like from her class come over and hang out.

Chapter: Gaudeamus Jed and Tair

WARNING: SOME IMAGES MAY BE DISTURBING TO PEOPLE WITH TASTE

Oooooooh, man. Eleven hours on the bus. Time to catch some zs.

Man. I miss the beach.  I wanted to go to the Tides, man, but it’s like hard to go there now.  If you’re not from there, you have to have papers. Plus I don’t think the bus goes there.  But hey, it’s cool that Ally’s letting me stay here.

Yeah so Ally’s here too.  So like, Ally and her Mom always fight, even though Ally moved out a long time ago, but it’s like they had a final showdown or something.  Like Jed’s Grandpa wants to have another kid and her Mom’s too old, but they can like, go to the clinics or something.  Babyrita, Ally calls it…you know, like a blender baby.  Ally’s sisters and brothers – the Spiffington ones and the Wainwright ones – were like, whatever, but Ally just lost it.  She came home and told Jed and me that she loved us but she wasn’t raising ANY MORE of us and furthermore the three of us were the only sane ones left in town and she wasn’t staying if we were leaving, so. We decided to all go together.

We left right after graduation.  Graduation, man.  I graduated.  Yeah, like no shit.  Jed said he wasn’t gonna go if I wasn’t there.  And like, he really wanted to go.  Shit.  So like, I had to go with him to study club and then show up and like take tests, like SERIOUSLY.   He owes me, man.  Someday we’re gonna go to Lucky Palms and he’s gonna help me run the tables.  Someday when we have money.

Anyway.  Ma came back for graduation.  She even said she was proud of me.  Eventually.  First she wanted to know if I like, had the principal in the basement or something.  Then she like, made me get a haircut.  “Dub knows I never thought this day would come, Tarik, and unless I can see your face in the picture, I still won’t believe it.”

The asshole didn’t show up.  Of course.  Jed’s Mom came, and Ally, for Jed.  Jed’s Grandpa and Ally’s Mom came… for Precious.  Yeah. 

But then like, Jed’s Grandpa invited us to their house for a going-away party.  Well he invited JED.  And then didn’t slam the door in my face, ha.  And he offered to let Jed and Ally stay in his old place here in East Midcentralburg.  Until we know if we get into Uni or not?  I guess he felt bad.  If Jed doesn’t get in, we’re gonna stay here and get jobs. Ally says I can stay with her either way, if I don’t get in. Either way, man, I don’t care, I’m out of the Valley and I’m free.

Although a beach would be nice.

Ally’s like at work.  She got a job in Midcentralburg already.  Jed’s coming later today. Soon as we got off the bus, he had to go to the clinics, take some tests or something, and he had to stay all night. He couldn’t like eat or drink. I would DIE, and I’m big, and he’s so skinny. He’s like really nervous, cause we don’t know for sure if we got in.  But Ally’s sister Jo said if he had to go to the clinics then he must have made it.  She’s kind of smart too, Jo.  Jo’s one of the ones that’s a doctor. She scares me a little  – what is that noise?

Oh hey.

I didn’t even smoke that much last night.